.

A year ago

2012-01-26T11:44:00.000+08:00

...I met you.

:)

One thing

2012-01-26T11:40:00.002+08:00

.. just this one thing.

I dislike, no, I hate people who judge superficially.

Dear Daddy and Mummy,

2012-01-19T23:33:00.004+08:00

I really wish you could see me now. I wish that you see me bing taken care of. So that you can trust me. Trust me that I can be on my own. Because I have somone who see me as who I am and someone who care enough to listen. Someone who is there for me.

It might or might not be a temporary wonderful dream. But all I know now is, I am happy. Although I am clear where the road ahead lies, what I can tell you is, I am not going to regret. I am not. Because, no matter how beautiful or ugly the ending is going to be, I believe that it is worth it.

I wouldn't argue with you if you think that I am naive or ignorant. I wouldn't. Because I know you know it best. But Daddy and Mummy, I want you to understand and I want you to trust me. That I am growing up and therefore, I will take full responsibility of my actions.

See how I transform into a butterfly, Daddy. See how I fly. See how I smile and cry with pride.

I love you. I love you, Daddy and Mummy. Just wait a little longer. I will be fine. The finest as I ever can be.

Would you marry me, Lao Po Bing?

2012-01-17T12:36:00.001+08:00

http://bakingoncloud9.blogspot.com/2011/08/lao-po-bing-wifes-biscuit-pop.html

I'm putting this link here so that I won't be searching for it next time. :)

Hope

2012-01-15T13:32:00.002+08:00

...always crushes.

It kills your nano-sized only bit of happiness into powder.
It breeches your only charade of fakedness into a meltdown of reality.
It chokes your only source of air and makes you ask for help.

When you finally have to give in, you WILL HAVE TO FEEL THE PAIN.
Don't numb yourself. Feel it.
Because, numbing it will only makes it worst when you finally let down your mask and feel it.

The Chicken Murtabak

2012-01-14T12:55:00.002+08:00

..an ultimate marridge of well seasoned and tenderized chicken and the crispy but no-so-crispy prata. Have you ever tried one before?

It's going to be the end of January and I'm ridiculously anticipating for the 26th. I wonder if I could make it the way I want it to be.

I have been busy with case studies and lab practicals. I'm working during the weekdays and weekends now. Things are getting not balanced, in terms of finacial-wise. I have been trying hard to save but it seems it's getting harder. If I can't eat bread, what else should I take to reduce my spendings? Excuses. This is what my heart said to me. I know I can pull this through.

I'm going to be in Year 3 soon. I'm hoping for a salary. But my lecturer said the chances of getting paid for our internship is low. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Sigh. I wonder if things are going on a little too fast.

People ask me to enjoy my school-ing days because it is very likely that I will miss them when I work next time. To me, everything is about how we think of it. We have to like to do what we are doing so that everytime we go to work, it is no longer work. It is something that we enjoy. We like what we are doing. But, sadly, until this date, I still have no idea where I'm heading.
But the bright side is ....hey, at least I am not stuck. I am just moving a little slower than the rest.

My sister has lost her anchor. I hate to say this but I am not her anchor. She doesn't see me as one, meither do I. We are so different right now that sometimes, I feel almost like a stranger to her. Are we falling apart, mother? Why are we so different now? Why she couldn't listen and see me?

Sigh. Life, eh. Great, I have a few decades to go. You're great, Daddy. You've finished what your reason and meaning here and now it's my turn to find it and realise it. Daddy, are you looking at me now? :)

Happy New Year

2012-01-03T15:27:00.003+08:00

It's 2012. My fifth year in Singapore.

In seven or eight weeks time, I'll be in the final year for my diploma studies and soon, I'll be moving to my next phase in life.

I now understand why Peter Pan never wanted to be an adult. Growing up doesn't mean growing up biologically or physically, it also means additional responsibilities and learning of how to serve one higher needs.

When we were young, we wished to grow up fast. And ironically, as we grew older, experienced more things, we wanted to Time to be kind to bring us back so that we could correct our wrongdoings, so that we could ... change the outcomes. But I think no matter what we did or do, when things are meant to be done or happened this way, no matter how hard we worked to bring it back or to change it, the outcome will be the same.

We went back to Ipoh to pack my father's room. It was an eye-opening experience. Hahaha.
Porn-CDs, 'Bee Gees' type of clothings, those thick and big sun glasses, loads of name cards, and old receipts which were all older than me. And old photos. I took a peek at my parents' and my brothers' past where my sister and I were not borne yet. I didn't know my family could be that complete before. But I'm sure that is just a charade.

I miss my father and those old times we had. I miss those times when he picked us up from school and how he made us late to school everyday, how he used to make us learn the hard way, how he mould us to who we are today, how his presence reminded us the urgency to grow our wings and many more. He was not the best father but still, he was my father. At least, I have a father.

It's not like I'm complaining or something like that. It's weird to say but I am almost grateful that I have a father like him. A father that others do not have. It's tough to be his daughter, it is tough to live in my family, IT IS TOUGH (Gosh, I am complaining too much). What is easy at first? Nothing is easy.

I'm working hard to get more money. I already promised my mother that I won't be using her money anymore. I wonder if I could support myself to go to a university. But at the moment, I'm saving, saving and saving...I'm going to work during the weekends too. Somehow, I feel good supporting myself like this, it is almost like I am not depending on anyone for financial stability.

Good things never lasts.

Nothing lasts forever. I've learnt to appreciate from my past experiences. Everything has a closure and from that closure, there is a new beginning. A chapter after chapter. But saying is always easier than getting it done. Detachments are never easy. Sometimes, it could break us apart and pulled us back. Letting one go and existing purely for oneself not defined by other's existence could put a fullstop to one's Life. I think that it is why we ought to learn to seek Peace and be one with our surroundings. By keeping ourselves calm, I think that is a way to keep our emotions in control. But again, it is easier to say than to get it done. Nonetheless, everything starts from believing yourself.

Great, I just made my sister cry. Nevermind, I don't care what she thinks of me anymore. It's tough to be a sister. A good one, I mean. I wonder if she ever stood at my position before. It's not like I also tried seeing myself from her eyes, but it's hurtful to know your sister doesn't want your help even though you wanted to help so much. And when you helped, she hated you for that. Alright, I don't mind being the baddie.

I'm so sick of everything. :(

2011-12-22T00:46:00.004+08:00

The year is coming to an end.

It means Tong Yuen is very much available. My father likes to eat them. I like to eat them. My brothers like to eat them. My sister, however, doesn't really like to eat them. What's there to ask for a simple chewy and lively glutinous rice ball? It's the sense of liveliness. My mother used to say, the deliciousness of the food is not really all about the food. It's about who are eating together with us. When you are eating with someone you love, even a bowl of plain rice with plain salted fish will taste heavenly.

Do you remember when was the last time you had a meal with your parents?

I'm sad to say but I can tell you most of the teenagers nowadays don't really spend much valuable time with their parents. I, for example, have not spent enough time with my family. 17 years is not enough. Is it true that when you grow older, you grow further away from your family? But there're some of them who care enough to go home to eat no matter how busy they are. Me? I'm doing the right opposite. :(

This year is almost a turning point for me. I feel the intense urgency to grow up as strong as ever. So that I could see and understand things in life. Things that I cannot change. Things that I have to learn to let go. I think growing up is never a process that is meant to end. It is just a lot faster this year.

I don't know about you, but I personally don't think detachment is about letting go. To me, detachment is more of understanding that there are things that are meant to be and accepting that there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. It's more like a form of release. More of like a signboard in life directing us to move forward. Because if we stopped, nothing will stop us or for us. The Sun will still rise in the East and set in the West. Your body will still ask for food. Yes, you will cry like there is no tomorrow, but you will eventually feel better as Time ticks.

Life is like a labyrinth. When you are on your way out, you will encounter some sharp and hard rocks. Some of the routes may be blocked. You will feel confused and lost. And you might even want to stop moving at all. But, you have to keep moving to find the exit. Because you know, when you finally out of that labyrinth, you will find peace. You will be home at last. Because you know, you are not doing this alone. Someone is waiting for you. And you have to make bloody sure that you make it out of the labyrinth alive.

I cried and laughed the most this year. Tears bring laughter and laughter brings tears. Everything seems to have a flip-side. Everything seems to be tagged with an expensive price tag. When you gain something, you'd lose something of equal value. The law of give and take. If it is not balanced, you'd feel tired from either you are giving too much or you are taking too much. And thus, it is wise to practise moderation. Not too much, but not too little as well. Just right.

But one thing is very amiss here. Feelings. The hard thing is, when they hit you unnoticed, when you wish you are feelingless, they will not stop coming. No matter how much you moderate yourself, you WILL have problem controlling them. It's either way too much or way too little. Some people might find feelings are something can be controlled. To me, feelings are what made us human and therefore, I try not to control. I let them fill me. I let Pain and Joy to grow me. People around me call me STUPID because I allow Feelings to become my master. But I can tell you this, I will never .. stop feeling. Be it Pain of Joy. Numbing them will only intensify them.

Be strong to feel.

The only constant is change.

2011-12-18T14:38:00.002+08:00

People. They either change in a split second. Or it takes ages for them to change.

My sister is a full-bloom flower. She is smart, beautiful and very independent. Although she can be very impulsive, rash and hot-temperred, she is still kinda cute for a sister.

Me? I have changed too. But I miss old self. I think the main cause of my change is the realization that ... I don't have to be strong at all times. I can be happy too.

Thank you for making me happy.

...Hello, hello ...

2011-12-15T23:17:00.003+08:00

I have been moving on pretty well on my own for awhile now, I'd say.

Compared for the first two weeks of the term, I was really trying very hard to keep things going. It was the hardest on the first day of the term when everything that I'd starting facing from that day onwards until now started to kick into my head. When I started to accept what I have chosen. My option. And then things got a little smeared by my sudden lost of direction and the passing of my father. I'd lie if I said I'm already over it. But hey, I'm still here, trying my best to function properly. To do things that I should be doing, like moving on.

They say, life only starts when you start living it. Yup, that's freaking true, I'd say. You know why? Because the me inside knew, the way I'm living it right now, is not right. What is left is not right. But then again, as the daughter of my father, I am very independent. Well, to put it crudely, I do not like to accept help. I don't even understand myself, I just don't like to even though I need to. I hate it. I just want to be ... me.

A 'No' is not that hard to understand, isn't it? I am breaking myself up, I know, everyone can stop reminding me that, thank you very much. I'm sorry that I am that kind of person who needs to feel pain to live. I learn the hard way. I have to. :)

I have been feeling rather down lately. As I'm learning how to love myself, don't be suprised if you don't recognize me. Because I have been gaining weight! Ahhhhhhhh !

Can you be not happy when you eat chocolates? It is IMPOSSIBLE. It is my addiction. :)

Have you ever..

2011-12-09T23:06:00.003+08:00

met someone that you felt as if you knew him/her for a very long time?

I met K in school very abruptly and we started talking for two hours non-stop. She's from Shandong, China and we have a little problem of communication. (When I asked her for her full name? She thought I asked her the ship's name). She is not really well-versed in English and I don't speak Chinese well. Anyway, we manage to express ourselves quite well.

She's from a well-to-do family and she works as a model. I leave it to your imagination as to how she looks like. But let me tell you, she has the looks and the brain. We were suprised at ourselves too, given that the pace at how deep our relationship is going now is way too fast for normal friendship.

We have similar characteristics but she is much more expressive than I am. When I told her about how I used to be very boyish, she told me that she could tell from how I act. She offered to 'train' me to a proper girl. Just for curiosity sake, I accepted her offer. It's not like I think I am not a girl or something, I want to be more than who I am now since she said I lack something.

It was a stressful week for my sister and I. My brother was away for a business trip and we had to babysit on alternate nights even though we were having exams for the entire week. Anyway, it is over now and we can have a break. But of course, a holiday break means assignments for my lecturers.

Time is really flying and the year's going to end soon. I am buying a Christmas present for my sister. :) Too bad that there's no snow here in Singapore. I might make her snowman if I could. :)

I knew

2011-12-04T22:30:00.002+08:00

..yet I still deny.

Why?

2011-11-26T18:43:00.003+08:00

It is a Saturday. And I'm in school. Doing what? STU-DYING.

:(

I'm glad that I'm seeing my mother later. And I am going to hug her tight. Tight enough so that I won't fall into pieces again. And I will .. smile as though there's no tomorrow.

Just like last Saturday. :)

2011-11-26T01:42:00.001+08:00

I am still here.

2011-11-24T22:14:00.003+08:00

I've lost. But I ain't giving up.

My sister, do you hear me? I am not giving up. I am not. I will not.
Let's face this. You know how much I hate myself being this weak. Just don't break me when I am trying my best to patch all the broken pieces back together.

At least, I am living it. I'm not hiding anymore, like you.

Wake up. The world ain't made up of rainbows and sunshine.

2011-11-23T15:29:00.003+08:00

For almost every morning, I wake up in wonder.

"It was not a dream, you idiot. It's real."

I still could not bring myself to understand. And to believe.

Anyway, life goes on.

So, how's life? I'm shamed to say but I'm spending less time at home recently. Is it true that as you grow up, you're more farther away from home? Intentionally or unintentionally. I feel bad.
But at the same time, I can't wait to have a home of my own when I can have a kitchen of my own, when I can have my own study room, when I can be selfish. But then again, I can bet all my money that I'd feel even worse missing all those times when my brother's childishness and lame jokes make me laugh, when my nephews make me feel like a mother, when all of us go on a food adventure and when I sleep with my sister. When you get one, you lose the other. The law of give and take. The curse of my own conscience.

Assignments are piling up. They never die, don't they? They can't just give me a break, can they? Ahh ... Assignments can be quite satisfying when you know how to do them and you can finish them on time. I don't know how the damn RNA interference works. I don't know how to prove that the mechanisms of dicing doesn't work for mice. I don't know! Yeah, if I knew, I wouldn't be studying now, would I?

Feel-ing

2011-11-17T17:27:00.006+08:00

noun \ˈfē-liŋ\

1. The sensation involving perception by touch

2. An affective state of consciousness, resulting from emotions, sentiments, or desires

3. An awareness or impression: a tender emotion, a fondness

_________________________________________________________

How do you feel?

When just a single touch freezes the moment,

And all that once and still torment,

Tear and slice the flesh,

When the wound is still raw and fresh?

"I want to hold you close."

How do you feel?

When just a single breath made whole;

The broken pieces which contain the soul,

That of which breaths hope and promise,

All that I covet is.

"I want to hold you close."

How do you feel?

When just a word haltens the will;

The heart swears naught to feel,

The fondness and tenderness you once showered,

For you, I ask;

Are we asunder?

...

"I want you."

What I see and hear in my head lately

2011-11-11T23:28:00.003+08:00

"So, you have become a pig? You sleep after you eat, and when you wake up, you eat again, then you go to sleep again, and then you wake up to ..ea AHHH.."

"Yeah, I wake up and AHHH. HAHAHA."

"You mentioned that there's a betrayal within. Since the Solemn One is so respected or feared by the Colony, why is there a betrayal?"

"That's too near to Book 4. I can't tell you."

"There're a few techniques that I wanted to show you."

"Hmm?"

"Ice-cream?"

"You scream?"

"AHHH...Hahahaha."

"Go practice your coin-tossing."

"HAHAHAHA."

"Bring me my bow of burning gold (AI-OUCH!) ..

Bring me my arrow of desire (Twang.) .."

"Red 3, standing by. Red 6, standing by. Red 5, standing by. Red Buttons, standing by. Big Red, standing by .. "

"Excuse me, Sir. Can you direct me to the Naval Base in Alamida? It's where they keep their nuclear wessels."

"Hahahaha."

And most of all, this one.

"You are worth it."

Dear grandmother,

2011-11-10T11:14:00.004+08:00

I wonder what you'd think of me when you see me now.

It's been 2 years now since you're gone. Life's been tough for me lately. Well, it's never been easy for anyone, yes? If it's easy, I think we are living Life wrongly.

How have you been? I wish you were here to talk and listen with me. Because I knew you'd listen even though it makes no sense to you. I knew you'd smile and say, "It's alright to cry. It's going to be alright.." I wanted to talk to you so much. I miss you.

I miss those times when we used to sit under the mango tree and we talked about everything.

I miss those times when I used to sit beside your bed and massage your legs.

I miss those times when we laughed at the TV.

I miss you. So very much.

Aunties have been saying that you traveled around to look at us. Can you see me now? I am different than I used to be. I know how to grow cells now, I play the erhu better now, I know how to support myself, ..

Do you see me?

Boon Kai and Boon Bin are as lively as always. Taking care of them has been a burden but it is a joy too. But like you said, who is going to help my brother if not us? Like you said, we have to endure in Life to get something good in return. It's okay to eat bread and biscuits to save .. because you did it too when you were young. I promise you that I'll be alright. I will do my best.

I'll be alright, right?

Dad is not around anymore. I am relieved that he is free now. He does not need to suffer anymore. We will miss him. (Stop scolding dad. Hahaha). Dad made us strong. :)

I just lost something important to me, grandmother. Do you think I can find it back? Or shall I wait for it to come back? I wonder if I could stop searching for it. Could you help me to find it when you're free? I think I lost a piece of my heart. :) And my heart is longing for that part to be returned. I dare not to feel. I'm scared that it might hurt. :)

That's all for now, grandmother. Gotta rush my assignments.

I promise you, I will live.

Are you there?

2011-11-05T10:35:00.002+08:00

Don't be sad. I'll be alright.

Don't blame yourself. I'm happy that I met you.

I will move on.

Pain

2011-11-01T09:07:00.006+08:00

noun \ˈpān\

1. usu. localized physical suffering associated with bodily disorder (as a disease or an injury); also: a basic bodily sensation induced by a noxious stimulus, received by naked nerve endings, characterized by physical discomfort (as pricking, throbbing, or aching), and typically leading to evasive action

2. acute mental or emotional distress or suffering : grief

___________________________________________________________________

This is something I've been trying and I'm still trying to learn to live with. Something that I need to get used to. Reading always helps. Running always helps. Chocolates always helps. Temporarily. It's just tough when it hits you hard again, no matter how bloody hard you fight against it, it'll just eat you slowly inside like poison. And when that happens, you allow the emotion to fill and you, and you let them flow through. Input and output.

Empty.

It is so tempting to let everything go, to make everything stop. To stop breathing. Even though a part of me always know. That I need to be strong. I cannot lose myself. I cannot cry. I must look ahead and stop waiting and expecting. Which is why I'm still here, typing this emotional and ridiculuos post.

What have I become? I used to be that girl who cuts herself to relieve pain, the girl who cries herself to sleep, the girl who hates the whole world, the girl who hurts people with sharp words and hurts herself by doing so, and the girl who blames everything because of her existence. I am no longer that girl. I am .. better now. I hope.

Sometimes, I feel her. She's with me now. I want to embrace her and tell her, "Everything will be alright." I want her to be happy. I want her to live. But who am I to tell her? Just who the fuck am I?

Think all you want. I'm immature? I'm complaining too much? I'm foolish? I'm seeking for attention? I'm out of my mind? Hell, yes. I wish I were insane. I wish I could feel nothing. Because being able to feel hurts. Being able to feel for others hurts. You can judge me all you want, just never ever decide how I should feel.

It's my heart, baby. Mine to break or mend.

Keep breathing.

"I can summarize life in three words : It goes on. "

2011-10-26T23:38:00.004+08:00

-Robert Frost

So bloody true, isn't it?

There's also a saying, "Life is hard. If you feel that it's easy, you're probably doing it wrong." I'd say, it's really up to you how you want to live your life. If you want to sulk your whole life away, by all means, go ahead and miss all the good things in life. I'm not saying it is wrong to complain about life because it's only human to feel such a way. If we are indeed feeling contented of what or who we are, are we to be more than what or who we are? Yes, we set benchmarks for ourselves, but once we are over the benchmarks, things got a little boring, yes? Because it can always be better.

I've been busy with school lately. There're no longer spoon-feedings for us. We have to learn most of the things by ourselves. Since I'm in the Research Option now, there's no more lecture notes, no more practical manuals, no more .. sweets from the teachers. We have to design our own practicals, we have to understand the principles behind and we have to present what we discovered from the World Wide Web. I guess I'm just too used to spoon-feeding. It must be that, or else I won't be having Regret as an appetizer right now. I wonder what's the upcoming main course. Well, desserts are always sweet, I guess. I'll just have to work harder and be more of what I can be.

While spending most of the time in school can be joyful, I think I have sacrificed family times. I have almost forgotten the warmth of a family. What have I been doing? I should look clearly at myself. Today is a public holiday and my sister and I spent the entire day with our brother, sis-in-law and our wonderful nephews. Although things got a little out of hand when we were stuck at the MRT station due to the heavy rain, we managed to enjoy ourselves in the end. We had Cha-soba and some vegetarian sushi at Ichiban Sushi at Plaza Singapura, then we went to Gloria to have some coffee, just to chill down and relax. It's been ages since we went out together as a family like this since my sister and I were working for the past few weekends. So guys, spend more time with your family. Family, is where you can always go back and complain and complain and they will still stand by your side. :)

I am still coping at the moment. I'm taking baby steps right now. One step at a time. Why think so hard about the Future and forsake your Present? Let's give everything we have. Let us be strong and face whatever may come.

2011-10-15T00:08:00.002+08:00

My sister and I have been working for our bottoms' off lately. 10 hours of standing and promoting ain't easy, my friends. My parents used to say that we will only realize how much blood, sweat and tears a money note could contain when we work to support ourselves. And you know what, that is an ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

It's a tough time for us now, I'll admit that, but we will manage somehow. Everyone has their own share of bitterness in life. And that is what make everyone so different from each other.

What I fear now is to strike a balance for studying and working. It's not easy, but I'll always put studies on the top most list. Don't worry, mum. :)

I really don't want to say this because it'll be very irresponsible of me but I really wish that I wasn't here. I should not have. I'm clinging to the phrase - 'Things happen for a reason.'- to keep moving.

I bet every early adults feels this way too. And those adults would say, 'Ahh, they're learning Life.' Life's harsh, mum. We all know that. I think we can only live Life by keep struggling until we are to rest in peace forever.

I'm strong. I'm strong. I'm strong. I have to be strong, yes? And that I am and will always be.

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Are you there?

2011-10-10T20:09:00.002+08:00

...
Where the land is green,
As they always have been,
Where the sky is clear,
And there, where Peace holds you dear.

The scream of the quiet peace,
The burning of the cold breeze,
Where are you, my sweetling,
If you are not with me smiling.

Have you left, my heart-ling,
Without any memories to cling,
Do you not care anymore,
My sorrows evermore.

How much more do I have to wait,
When my Heart begs me to hate,
How much more do I have to weep,
Just to make you peep?

Tell me, my Pain,
Are you there?

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Do you have a map?

2011-10-07T23:26:00.003+08:00

May I know the direction to the Road of Nowhere?

Where nothingness exists.

Where there is a void of feelings.

Show me the way.

The future

2011-10-06T20:18:00.001+08:00

.. I can't see. I wonder if everything would change if we could see the future.

Nothing's going to change if we don't change the way we look at things, yes?

I'm tired of being tough all the time. (I'm still young, Mum. Let me be,okay.) I just want to be happy. Why is it so difficult?

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Even you would

2011-10-04T09:23:00.001+08:00

...feel for someone like him. Anger, hate, love, jealousy, etc.. Humans seek for feelings and let feelings to fill them. So...why not?

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2011-09-28T05:55:00.001+08:00

Rest in peace, Daddy. We love you.
:)

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When the strings are cut

2011-09-27T23:43:00.001+08:00

..would you tie it tight again, I wonder?

I let go. Already.
Have you noticed?

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Tell me.

2011-09-25T05:38:00.003+08:00

How do you feel ..

when you see your father is gasping air from a pair of drowning lungs?
when you see your father is relying on diapers?
when you see your father is lying down all day?
when you see your father is dying soon?
when you can do nothing at all except letting him go?

Save him, Oh God. Make him suffer less. Take him away and let him leave in peace. Please, God.

2011-09-17T00:14:00.004+08:00

I'll get back up again.

It's been awhile, friends. How's life?

I've been busy with my clinical practicum at the polyclinic, trying to compile 100 venipunctures and 20 finger pricks, and ... trying to love my life.

I shan't say anything about it here, but trust me, I'm not a 'give up-er'. Not when I've walked thus far. Not this time.

Anyway, result is going to be released this coming Tuesday. And soon, the next semester is going to commence soon. I wonder how things have gotten so far. I mean how I have gotten so far. Excuse me if I sound like I'm boasting, but it's really a struggle for me. Well, it's bad for the soul if life's too good, eh. Too good to be real.

My mother and my uncle have come for the weekend. Well, at least it's something good happening for this week. It means good food and relaxation. I hope this is a prelude to something better which is about to happen. Good things come to those who wait, right? Good things are worth fighting for, right?

Let us work hard together, friends. Let us be the last ones standing.

Where are we going?

2011-09-02T10:41:00.003+08:00

I wonder if I asked for too much. Why am I not satissfied?

Or should I blame it to the intrinsic nature of human to be selfish and greedy? I've got a very bad habit, my friends. The habit of losing sight of what I have as I look for more and eventually I lose the sight of myself, forgetting what once made me smile and what once made me strong.

I'm aging .. I'm getting more exposed .. I'm more impressionable .. I'm learning .. Excuses.

God, save me from attachments.

Time is a sick teacher. Most of us wish for Time to rewind so that we could change what we've done and what we could have done. Why sick, you ask? Because Time let us learn .. the hard way. I know if this applies to everyone but I find that we tend to learn how to appreciate only when things are gone. We tend to remember only when things are out of sight. We tend to protect ourselves from pain when we are hurt once. But then again, how do we learn the warmth feeling of happiness if we were not disheartened by challenges in life? How do we learn to get back up after a fall?

Time is a sick Teacher.

Hence, learn this. Don't afriad to fall. Don't be afriad to experience pain. Let the emotion flow.

Be human.

2011-08-30T13:13:00.004+08:00

Exams are over now. Finally.

Next stop: My attachment. (Ahh, the needles and blood ! )

And the next next one: My research training.

And next next next one: Graduation.

:):):)

One by one, I am taking them down. By hook or by crook. And from there, see where I'm heading and go for it.

Bring it on, Life. You have been a great teacher and will always be.

Only if he knew.

2011-08-23T00:40:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday.

Be happy, okay ?

2011-08-18T18:11:00.002+08:00

There's no consciousness without pain.

Where are you?

2011-08-18T10:11:00.000+08:00

You used to be my simple and fragnant fried rice.

2011-08-17T23:22:00.000+08:00

Why do I cry for nothing?

2011-08-15T09:39:00.001+08:00

I miss you.

2011-08-13T14:01:00.004+08:00

Learn not EXPECTATION.

Learn ACCEPTANCE.

Things happen for a reason.

Good or bad?

Decide that yourself.

When you're away from home, what do you miss the most?

2011-08-12T14:04:00.006+08:00

I miss the smell of dusty room, the creaking sound of the old fan, the comforting old pillow and almost-the-same-age-as-me bolster, the 'woody' feel of the floor tiles, and not to forget .. MA CHEE !!! :) Oh, wait. I forgot to mention my father, my mother, my wonderful aunties and my happy-go-lucky uncle. Opps. Hahahaha.

The peanut and sugar filled glutinous rice balls. They're the best serotonin boosters for me when I'm down. I've tried making them here, but I don't have the skills required. But I promise myself to learn and practise when I have the time of my own when I'm all groown up. And the oven. When I have the chance to live by myself, an oven will the first thing I'll get for myself.

Making food has always been and will always be one of my favourite things to do to convey my feelings. It brings happiness to me and to the others. Since we are on this topic, shall I share a secret with you ?

I thought of learning and actually get a degree in Culinary Arts. It is idealistic, no doubt about that, but is it practical? Nope. So, I went back to Biomedical Science. But if I have a chance in the future, when I'm independent enough, when I can use my money on whatever I want, why not, eh? Just a dream. Yep, just a dream. It's not that I have no interest in what I'm studying now, it's just a wishful thinking. Don't worry, mother. I will study hard. No side-tracks.

So, what got me thinking of all these? We went back for my father's birthday last weekend and it suddenly hit me hard to see all of my family members are growing older. And then it got me thinking. How would I want my future to be like? What I should be doing now? Am I putting enough effort now? How to make my parents proud? Things like that ..

How about you? Do you have a dream? :)

2011-08-08T08:53:00.004+08:00

Only when it is the darkest, you can see the brightest light.

When things can't go any worst, it can only go better right?

Right?

Footprints

2011-07-21T11:06:00.002+08:00

People come and go in life. They leave footprints. Memories, we call them.

Sometimes, I think we are made of feathers of memories. As if we are nothing other than bones, sinews and cells. If not for the memories that has kept and is still keeping us here, I wonder .. why on earth that we are still here? People say,we are here for a reason. Yes, I totally agree with that, but the process of waiting for that particular reason to dawn on us, is pretty much tiring and demotivating sometimes, don't you think so?

Life's for me recently has dried quite a big deal of motivation I spent collecting since young. Maybe I'm getting a little too emotional again. My dear mother and my uncle must be having a good time watching us growing up.

Don't worry, Mummy. Ah Yi is a strong girl. (Hahaha !)

Dear readers,

2011-07-12T00:01:00.002+08:00

I am sorry if you had to bear these emotional and childish posts these few days. I'm just being a kiddo, sulking unreasonably and crapping illogically.

I have been busy these few weeks. Exams were over, but this only signals another big thing to happen soon. Continuous revisions, upcoming assignents, going-to-be-due-soon formal reports, etc .. you get me, don't you? *sigh

Trying to get everything into place, nicely like after A is B and then C ain't easy. When there's an unexpected turn occurs, sometimes, D has to come before C.

I know how ridiculous this might sound, but I really wish I have a time-turner. I wish for Time to stop and replay. Or for it to turn back so that I could correct all my mistakes and or make up for all my wrong-doings.

I miss those days where I could attribute my emotional feelings to an unhappy childhood. I miss those times where I could hide in the store room and let the tears out. I miss those happy moments with my grandma. I miss my grandma, my independent mother, aunties and uncle. And my father.

Time seems to be having fun playing us. *sigh

Excuse me again for my emotional thoughts. Good day.

2011-07-04T17:59:00.004+08:00

You don't even try.

What do you see from 'ME'?

You see nothing.

I am okay.

I am okay. I am okay.

I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.

I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.

I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.

I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.

I am okay. I am okay.I am okay.

I am okay. I am okay.

I am okay.

I lied.

2011-07-02T13:53:00.006+08:00

Past adj \ˈpast\

- having existed or taken place in a period before the present : bygone

Some say their past was their glorious. Some say their past was the hardest. Some say their past was regrettable.

I say, my past is what has made who I am today. It's not all stormy and gloomy back then, now I think about it. I don't really feel comfortable talking about it, but if you ask, I'll talk. Yup, I'm still not comfortable of people knowing too much about me, but I'm learning how to open up. How to break up the walls. How to live.

Some people feel comfortable talking to me. I just need to feed them a small trigger, and they'll talk. They'll express. They will , sometimes, cry too. But when it comes down to me , I need a whole lot more than that. Ever feel like words being stuck in your head? Or suddenly you need to 'preserve' the last bit of energy left to stop yourself from crying and you have to stop talking entirely?

Yes, no? Nevertheless, there's one thing that I know or I think it holds true. Everyone keeps a Pandora box (an emotional side of them or whatever you may call) and buries it deep down and silently hopes that no one ever touches it except they themselves. But there's a another fact too. They too are silently waiting for someone who cares enough, who gives a damn, to ask for the key, to ask for the reasons, and to comfort. No matter how hard they try to deny.

And once again, I might be spouting nonsense. I'm just expressing my thoughts. Don't take my words so seriously. I'm sure you have your own facts and thoughts.

So ... .. . may I have the key to your Pandora box?

Do me some favours.

2011-06-27T22:43:00.004+08:00

Don't try to change me.

Don't make me wait.

Don't apologize when you are going to repeat the same mistake over and over again.

Don't offer your shoulder when you don't like your expensive shirt getting wet.

Don't ask me where I'll be because I'll be expecting you.

Don't go without saying goodbye.

Don't ..

..just don't make me cry.

2011-06-26T00:43:00.000+08:00

I am sleepy.

But I have a few more stacks of notes to go.

:(

Growing up

2011-06-15T00:10:00.004+08:00

"Break the walls.

Save yourself.

Be FREE."

This was what I used to tell myself before I came to Singapore. Before I am who I am now.
Time sure flies and before I realize myself, this is already my fourth year in Singapore. And I have to say, things are exceptionally compact and fast-paced this year.

Other than the study-craze, I see myself growing up. Not that I'm trying to boast or something, I noticed that I see things differently compared to the 'me' I used to be. Intead of accepting blindly of what others perceive, I begin to question. Instead of talking excessively to express, I find myself more composed, more quiet, and more into listening to other people's thoughts. Instead of just holding on dearly on what I used to believe in, I find myself more open to other beliefs and principles of life.

It's weird, isn't it? I used to believe that I was tied up by my father, but actually, if I think carefully enough, it was me myself who tied myself up. Really, we hold the top most authority to decide our thoughts. Instead of being controlled of our thoughts, our bad experieces, our assumptions, we just do it. We're afraid of getting hurt in the process, making mistakes, wrong decisions, and being remorseful after that. ( Who doesn't?) And that, ladies and gents, is what stopping us from being human.

Being human is being human. We experience emotions. We feel pain. We feel happy. We feel alive. I think everybody knows this deep inside their heart, they just need a gentle reminder from time to time.

And I admit, I forgot about this too. Nah, it's fine. Part of growing up eh. :D

It is YOU.

2011-05-29T14:36:00.004+08:00

men·tal·i·ty/menˈtalitē/ noun

- The characteristic attitude of mind or way of thinking of a person.

It is how we perceive things to be. We are given the full authority to decide and to make choices. No matter it is right or wrong, we are to take the full responsibilities of our actions. No pointing fingers, comparing to the others around us, it is all back to us. And from there, even though we make painful mistakes, we learn from it. And we move on.

I went on a challenge yesterday to finish a 42km-marathon. And I'm proud to say, I DID IT.
It was the toughest for the first 5 kilometres and the last 5 kilometres. I had to constantly remind myself not to give in to the soreness of my legs and my back (I thought my back would break at any moment then ! Haha). Nevertheless, it was a very satisfying experience. I never knew that I could run so far.. That is why, never underestimate yourself. You can do it.

Yes, you can. :)

2011-05-19T11:23:00.002+08:00

I used to come home to cook for weekdays and now I spend only one third of my time at home. I feel bad. Really bad when they give the "Why?" look. *sigh

I miss myself. Where are you, Hui Wen?

2011-05-09T11:30:00.001+08:00

I don't know.

If I could take it anymore.

2011-05-06T16:12:00.003+08:00

Congratulations, you have just ruined my day ! Yet again! :)

When are you going to learn?
Why are you doing this?
Is this really what you want?
Are you blind?

Go on and live your dreams. Come what may, it will be you who is going to suffer.

I bid you farewell. :)

Evanescence - My Immortal

2011-04-29T10:30:00.001+08:00

Things

2011-04-25T22:13:00.005+08:00

... break. Whether they are devoid of emotions or not. And for most of the time, when a thing breaks, it brings out an undesirable effect whether it is intentional or unintentional.

Things like - a vase, a glass, an egg, a word, a promise, the heart - can break. Yes, they are lifeless, but believe me, they do carry emotions.

Remember this. Never break things if you could. Some things, even after you glued the pieces back together, won't be the same anymore. Learn. Appreciate. They won't be here forever.

2011-04-24T13:58:00.001+08:00

Because you don't. And it seems that you never will.

That's it. No more.

Goodbye.

The Air

2011-04-17T20:57:00.004+08:00

Greetings, my friends. :)

How's everything? Time seems to be running quite fast here for me. And when I mean fast, it means I'm spending less time for myself. :(

For the next few weeks, I'm going to go home late. Ahhh .. well. It ain't that bad when I'm given an excuse to skip a night babysitting the little monster. Speaking of that little guy, he's learning how to stand without support ! I bet that guy could walk a month later. Sometimes, I think we need see things their way. The baby's way. See how no matter how many times they fall, and they'll get back up and do it again. See how they are not afraid of reaching out to the unknown. See how they learn how to take things one step at a time.

That day, I was reading a book - 'The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success' - when an uncle (Simon, he called himself) strongly recommended me to try 'The Prisoner of Our Thoughts'. When I told him, I have read it before, he then asked me which church I'm from.

"I'm not a Christian. What makes you think that?"

"You have a special air around you."

"Har ? Err ... okay."

We parted with an email exchange. And he got me thinking of the air around me. Haha. What air ? This is just me, trying to find, discover, learn and accept Life.

HOPE

2011-04-08T22:39:00.004+08:00

.. if it is too high, could break you into pieces. It's never been easy for me to control my unreasonable urge for something seems ridiculously unworthy. Aye' mates, look carefully. Careful enough not to lose sight of yourself.

2011-03-29T15:15:00.003+08:00

Blind beliefs. Strong superstition. Baseless logic. Who are you to judge? Are you are looking closely? Life is both brutally short, and paradoxically, far too long. If you couldn't even live the moment, how are you going to live for the future?

2011-03-20T00:29:00.003+08:00

Guys. Please stop deciding about how people judge you. I am not looking down on anyone.
I don't make baseless judgement before I get the entire situation clear. Yes, if you are trying to be a faker, I am more than glad to join the play. :)

Bring it on.

2011-03-15T11:01:00.001+08:00

Never get too attached.

Chris Medina - What Are Words

2011-03-10T10:27:00.000+08:00

Those words, they never go away.
They live on, even when we are gone.

2011-03-09T16:30:00.001+08:00

"Will you be defined by what other people see, or by the essence of your soul ?"

- Andrew Davidson (The Gargoyle)

2011-03-08T00:11:00.002+08:00

I could.. but I did not.
I should.. but I did not.
I would.. but I did not.

Damn.

2011-03-01T07:50:00.002+08:00

"The truth is always an abyss. One must - as in a swimming pool - dare to dive from the quivering springboard of trivial everyday experience and sink into the depths, in order to rise again - laughing and fighting for breath - to the now doubly illuminated surface of things."

- Franz Kafka

2011-02-20T14:16:00.004+08:00

The thing is, I don't even know why are you still here. Just, what am I doing ?

You Raise Me Up

2011-02-11T10:39:00.000+08:00

You raise me up to more than I can be.

2011-02-06T22:39:00.003+08:00

It always catches me off guard whenever I am reminded of some simple yet sophisticated concepts in life like :

.. there is a meaning behind every action.
.. there is no fixed point, because variation breeds flexibility.
.. relax and fight easy in every aspects in life.
.. accept and let go.
.. life is about keep going.

They look simple and most of the time, most people tend to forget them. Well, perhaps by forgetting, they could forget pain ? Well, I'm sorry if I sounded rude but there is one thing they didn't take into consideration before forgetting. Pain is the sign of life. You only feel pain when you are alive.

****
Smiling for happy occasions when you were no longer around, feels like it is just .. not right. Wish you were here to see how much I've grown my wings. I miss you so much until it hurts, grandma.

2011-01-25T22:19:00.005+08:00

Yo. Its been awhile.

I've been busy juggling between school, work and babysitting, and for the most part, babysitting a five-month-old is the most tiring one. It's really no real joke. Well, even if i described it, you wouldn't be able to understand my feeling when the little guy is trying to wake the entire building up in the middle of the night sometimes. Looking at a better side, this is something that I've got to know before becoming a mother.

Speaking of school, this semester is going to an end and i'm going to be in Year 2 soon. Which means, most probably I won't be enjoying my Chinese New Year very much since I've got exams coming up, working extra hours in school, studying more modules, and babysitting the little monster. I'll make sure he pays double the price when he grows up. Haha, one big mac per day perhaps ?

As for my work, I think i've got the best boss ever. Ask you, will your boss belanja you eat lunch, joke with you, teach you computer stuffs, teach you do origami, and some other things like that? They are rare, but this type of good boss do exist lol. It's good to have a job where you can relax and at the same time, you earn :)

Oh yeah, I got an A for my Mixed Martial Art grading. The MMA training has come to an end and I'm going to miss it so much :(

Its ironic to think that endings are actually much harder to deal with, compared to the time when we first started. It's true when people say, its not the destination that matters, it is the journey which changes it all. Nevertheless, I bet I won't be able to learn how to appreciate if things never end. But then again, which one is the beginning and which one is the end ?

2010-12-27T20:49:00.015+08:00

Hey, how is it going?

I'm done with the reports and the slides, thanks to my old PW 'Healthylicous' report and I'm going to make use of the old videos to prepare for my upcoming 70%-weightage formal presentation. The contents are not similar but it sure helps to recall what a formal presentation calls for, right? And its a one man show for 20 mins. haha

So, how's christmas? I hope you didn't spend it like .. someone sitting in front of the computer, doing some lame assignments .. or something like that? Well, i'm not really into the christmas mood and it's pretty quiet here. Just nice and cosy.

Nice and cosy? Yup, it sure is when there isn't a baby in the house and you don't have to lower down your volume and rush home to bathe or feed him. It's a short relief cus my brother and his family is coming back this weekend, but for now, let's enjoy the moment, shall we?

And for now, I'm enjoying a book and a movie series - The Lost Symbol and The Vampire Diaries - and I love the book best :) . Living in a book is so much easier, dontcha think ?

"Sometimes all it takes is a tiny shift of perspective to see something familiar in a totally new light."

- Dan Brown (The Lost Symbol)

I like

2010-12-10T08:24:00.007+08:00

the dampness of the morning dew,

the smell of fresh bread and milo,

the smell of my room to greet me when i'm back from school,

the sense of anticipation when i'm waiting at the porch,

the sense of belonging when someone call my name,

bright blue sky above the running track,

the wetness of my shirt clinging to my body after a good run,

the evening growl of my stomach asking for dinner,

and the silence of the night whenever i couldnt sleep.

So yup, I've finished my mid-semester test and all I'm left to is a 30-page report and some ppt slides, then I can have all the fun i want. Most importantly, my brother and his family are going back to msia for a week soon and this means, I DON"T NEED TO BABYSIT MY NEPHEW ! Woohoo ~ You won't understand unless you have had the experience of being a nanny lol. Haha, just sharing my joy with you :)

Just A Dream

2010-12-01T21:25:00.000+08:00

Dear Mom and Dad,

2010-11-29T09:15:00.009+08:00

I don't know what makes me to confess this to you, but here am i going to hurt you by saying : I never want to be here.

But the thing is, no matter how much I hate to be here, I am here. And as I live, I have also come to learn to love. I think that is why god is cunning in His own way. He make us love to ease His guilt in making us human. People say, love is a powerful thing. I don't really believe it cus I always think love makes us weak. Weak, when you started to live for someone else, for love. But you know, as I learn to love, I also learn to hate. I don't feel like giving in. ( I'm stubborn? Yep.) But the truth is, I think i'm losing it. Is the heart made of glass? So fragile yet rigid. Why love could hurt so much ?

Why is it so hard to make me see that I'm not alone, you say ? Yeah, I think i'm blind. Blind and unbelieving stupid. I just don't know anymore. Haha.

I'll never tell you this face to face, but if you ever come across this, I want you to know.

I love you. So, never feel alone.

2010-11-24T08:05:00.005+08:00

I wonder, which one hurts more. Pain, when you were gasping for the last breath. Or. Pain, when you were dying to see the ones you loved for the last time.

I miss you.

2010-11-07T19:27:00.009+08:00

No warning. Not even a hint. Just like that, she changed into a stranger. No matter how many times i fooled myself, with whatever naive reason, that she is still the same. Just like that. She didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye to the she, she used to be.

Okay, lets talk about me.

So, what about me? I am good. I am fine. Just a little tired. Tired from everything.

I can't wait for the day when i am fully grown up. I dont know about you, but the term 'grow up' here does not only mean biologically, but the meaning it carries for me is deeper than that. I don't know how to describe it but if i were to put it in a simpler manner, it is a person i defnitely need to become.

A person living a life on his own. Own strength. Own self.

"Meaning, I have learnt to live without." - Anonymous

Once lost, never give up to find it back

2010-10-19T21:32:00.004+08:00

I am clumsy. I am careless. I can get easily conned .. and my eyes sometimes - covered with kaya - are not meant to find things that i have lost.

I. lost. my. wallet. Oh shit . Panic struck me when i realized it this morning and i frantically searched my room. I turned my bag upside down, I backtracked the way i remembered the last time i saw it, I walked up and down in the mrt station. For heaven's sake, my wallet contained all my identifications - my IC, msia IC, student pass, Ezy card, atm card, etc .. I almost went crazy.

After 20 mins or so, I got a sudden, unexpected, hunch. Since the police station is just opposite my house, i bet on my luck that some kind soul might have found my wallet and lodged a police report. And .. thank god, i was lucky. Someone found it and when i asked for his/her contact no. to express my gratitude, that good guy didn't leave any means of communication. So yeah, I'm lucky or what ? lol

So, that's the end of the story.

I've started my second semester now and i've signed up for a second diploma as i have mentioned from my previous post. The first class starts today actually, at 6.30 until 8.30pm. And you know what the lecturer gave us for the first lesson? A stack of notes on medical terminology to memorize. The not-making-sense abbreviations that doctors like to scribble down when they write precriptions or medical reports, ya those medical vocab. But never mind, I'd rather do some memory work instead of maths or physics.

Unevitably, this semester would be rather busy compared to the last semester. Many students turned up to repair their laptops nowadays (ops, i forgot to mention that i've been working in the school's laptop service centre) , and i have just signed up for a sports elective programme - Mixed Martial Arts - for 8 weeks to earn some CCA points. Oh not to forget, I'm still babysitting my nephew. So yeah, pretty busy :)

Yup, that's all for now. Moving on eh.

If i could see the future and how this plays out

I bet its better than where we are now

But after going through this,

its easier to see the reason why

2010-10-06T15:53:00.003+08:00

I am, always, easily affected by other people's emotions. Some may say i read too much about what others did or response and got myself taking the wrong signal. But i'd say, its just me, reacting what i feel right. I'm not that kind who'd openly express, but if you knew me long enough you would notice those times when i stopped talking, kept my mouth tight cus i might pour everything out if i slipped a single fragment of the me i hid inside. And those were the times when i hated myself most. So vulnerable and weak.

I wonder if they noticed. That i used to take a few minutes to calm myself before going into their room just to say goodnight because i was scared. Or i shuddered whenever i heard his footsteps. Well, its all in the past now. And i've got a good bunch of aunties and one good uncle, and he's old now, so i should learn to let go of my past and try to live the present. But old habits die hard. I still couldnt get used to the changed atmosphere whenever i go back. Perhaps, writing all out like this is kind of therapeutic for me. Time heals all wound, they say. So, just let it be then.

So yeah, i went back to ipoh again for my driving test. And haha, i passed this time round ! After failing two times, after insisting not to give incentives to my driving examiner like what my other friends did just to pass, i finally did it this time after spending almost 1.5 K (RM) for the entire driving course. So, are you up for a ride ? *wink

Also, ive already gotten my first GPA for my first semester in poly ! It is 3.87. My friends say its already good enough, but it can always be better, right? Next semester is coming and the school is offering me to take another diploma, Phlebotomy, so i'll have two certs when i graduate. Im still considering, but it sounds good, doesnt it?

Hmmm ..what say you? To be or not to be?

2010-10-03T00:26:00.002+08:00

What if, what you believe until now, no longer holds true ?

2010-09-17T19:45:00.009+08:00

In this world, I believe some things happen, in one way or the other, for a reason. It must be fate that i get to know M. I still can remember the first time when we met; he was sitting in a corner, all alone and oh yes, quite alone. I hesitated for a while, then with the corniest pick up line that i can think of, I approached him :

" Hello, my name is Hw. I can't help but noticed you when i walked by just now, and it will be such a regret if i didnt say hi. I know this may sound superficial , but you are really good-looking, can i get to know you? "

And with that, we became lovers.It’s almost like an affair actually, I mean you don’t go around telling everyone about your great love. We are friends, we are lovers, we are soul-mates, we are life companions; he's the half apple i have been searching for.

I love you because I know you will always be there, whenever I’m feeling down and unhappy, when we are seeking for some thrill, when I need nobody, nobody, but you. I love you because you never fail to make me smile, our kisses are the best thing ever in this world, there’s nothing so magical, and wonderful. I love you, because I love you.

Give me mochi, and i will love you forever.

Forever, like till the far side of forever? That was before i met C. I'm not sure if this is what you call a destiny, but i'm sure our meeting was a beautiful accident that was always meant to happen. In every way, he was very different from M. If M is summer, then C will be winter. The former is full of passion, warmth and love, but the latter is the exact opposite; he'd keep me at an arm's length and push me away, he'd ignore me whenever I tried to get to know him. Maybe this is why i'm so attracted to him. I always like to chase, the things that I cannot have - all the more I will try and get it. But one thing i'm very sure is, C is every girl's dream.

I shouldn’t be telling you all this, now it makes me feel guilty to M. I’m sure I told you this before, C is incredible, like really really incredible. He kissed me lightly on the lips, and before I knew it, I swallowed him in a mouthful. I’m not sure if there’s anything on this world that can make me so happy.

Give me chocolates, and i will smile for you.

When happiness knocks, answer it.

2010-09-10T09:04:00.009+08:00

"People always think they know they'd miss the most if they had to trade places with me in this cell. Food, fresh air, your favourite pair of jeans, sex - believe me, I've heard them all, and they're all wrong. What you miss the most in prison is choice. You have no free will : your hair is cut in one style, like eveyone else's. You eat what's being served when it is given to you. You are told when you can shower, shit, shave. Even our conversation is prescribed : If someone bumps into you in the real world, he says "Excuse me." If someone bumps you in here, you say "What the fuck, motherfucker" before he can even speak. The reason we have no choice now is because we made a bad one in the past."

-Change of Heart, Jodi Picoult

This particular paragraph reminds me of the life i had before (not to that extent, of course lol ).
I mean, my sis and i were not given much of a freedom of an average teenager should have (in my opinion) in the past few years and though sometimes, we were given choices, we were often quite torn between them, because most of the time, its neither right nor wrong to choose either one.

Well, i think you could guess as much as what i'm about to say. It all comes down to my dad, who is still playing an influential role in my life. And all four of us knew that. If he didn't do what he did, if he never force things out of our will, we won't be where we are today. If he didn't ask us to shout 'I'm the best' while caning us when we got a bad score, if he didn't slap us when we cried, if he didn't set the rules that we got to eat finish before him or else no school for us, I wonder who we are now, which part on earth we ended to, why are we even here.

So, we knew. And we choose not to resent, but to forgive and learn. We will not repeat our parents' mistakes.

Okay, back to the future. I've been busy juggling with exams, baby-sitting and cooking meals. My daily schedule for the time being is something like this : waking up, going to school, studying and taking exams, going home to cook dinner, and baby-sitting the baby until 3 or 4 am. (Ohh, I even manage to squeeze in an hour or two for gyming. ) So, how is it feel like a parent or a nanny (more specifically lol) ? I'll leave that to your imagination haha. Busy is busy, but everyone is happy :) Even though my brother is spending a bomb right now for buying pampers and milk powders, he looks more like a man who has just won a lottery.

Are you not ? Trust me, Fate owes you that. You deserve to be happy. :)

2010-09-05T14:11:00.004+08:00

I miss you so much

2010-08-29T12:55:00.006+08:00

I can almost see it.

That dream I'm dreamin

But there's a voice inside my head saying you'll never reach it.

Every step I'm taking.

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction.

My faith is shakin.

But I, I gotta keep tryin.

Gotta keep my head held high.

There's always gonna be another mountain.

I'm always gonna wanna make it move.

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.

Ain't about how fast I get there.

Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.

It's the climb.

The struggles I'm facing.

The chances I'm taking.

Sometimes might knock me down but

No I'm not breaking.

I may not know it but these are the moments that

I'm gonna remember most, yeah.

Just gotta keep going.

And I, I gotta be strong.

Just keep pushing on.

Always.

A transitional stage

2010-08-22T00:46:00.003+08:00

there's where I am now, I'm sure that's what my mom would say.

Its not that i didn't realize it earlier, but it is more evident to me now, that everyone is leading their own lives now. And sometimes, when you expected to be a part of it, it just wont be the same way again. Maybe i'm just thinking about it too much but this is how i feel anyway.

My brothers are fathers now. And i've got another two nephews on the way to Earth soon.And when I'm walking with them (my brother and his family), I am starting to feel awkard. It's kinda similar when you go to your friend's house, and his or her family is smiling at you. Its like you dont belong with them. Get what i mean? I know its stupid but could you, no, would you still squeeze in when there is a happy family in front of you, smiling and laughing together in a family-warming way?

My sis? She's load better off than me lol. Poly life seems to suit her pretty good now that she's got her own new bunch of friends and thank god, she is happy :) .. which is precisely why i think i shouldn't be bothering her with new life now. We dont spend time together that often anymore but its alright, no problem. Haha, too much dependency is a bad habit for your soul, folks. You'll get a hard time getting rid of it.

But looking at the good side, im free (or maybe not entirely free) of this kind of family commitment. I mean ive got more time for gym, books, studies and other stuffs since i spend less time with my sis or with my brother nowadays. So its alright, I just give and take for times like this. Everyone has their own goals in life. I cant and i wont bring myself to be selfish enough to say, "Hey, what about me? " .

So yeah, just keep walking then. I'll be fine by myself :) .. I'm just an ordinary girl who's going to be in her early twenties tomorrow. No big deal.

The warmth of a family

2010-08-12T21:30:00.012+08:00

Just came back from msia for my second brother's wedding. Everyone in the family participated in it, so overall, the wedding dinner was quite smooth, i'd say. It was my first time becoming an MC for such an event and im glad that my sis and I rehearsed a number of times - i pronounced wrongly for most of the cantonese proverbs when we practised - before we stepped on to the stage.

Its been awhile since my grandma passed away that we had a grand family gathering like this. It makes one feels heart-warming, really. The wedding was complete; my brother and his wife came back from taiwan, my big brother rushed back from spore, my mom baked a three-storey butter cake, my mom went back to sleep with my dad for a night because we didnt have enough rooms (my parents dont sleep together now) ,everyone is happy. But it's not perfect. My grandma's not here to enjoy, you see. It feels weird not to see her sitting on that chair, smiling and crying happily for such an event. Haha, maybe she's looking at us from above, laughing together with us.

So, learn the true meaning of appreciation. Appreciate, when time never stops for you. Appreciate, when good things wont happen the same way again. Appreciate, when he or she is still here for you. Life's short, but let's make it simple and nice, shall we? :)

Trust me, i'll be good for you, grandma. So, lets see each other again next life, okay?

If I could tell you so

2010-07-23T20:40:00.005+08:00

Time will say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be told, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you I would let you know.
...

-W.H. Auden (1907-73)

I just finished reading a book titled 'Tuesdays with Morrie' and this book reminds me alot of my grandma who passed away during my alevels. The main character in the book, Morrie chose to face death in a very honourable, positive way and tried to convey all the lessons he learnt in life to the ones he loved before he died.

I feel so guilty when those flashbacks play back in my head. Guilty, because i didnt go back for her birthday for the last two years because of alevels.Guilty again, because i didnt manage to say my final goodbye to her because of alevels. All because of alvls. And the sad thing is, I didnt even do good in it and end up in poly instead.

So how this book relates to my grandma? My grandma was, probably, doing the same thing as Morrie too. While most of them would be in the state of fear and desperation when they found out that they are dying, my grandma tried hard to work up a simple smile everytime when my aunt changed her diapers. When you are clinging on for your dear life, would you laugh when somebody is washing your own body for you? Would you try to walk when every step you take hurts? Would you finish what's on the plate even when you're full after swallowing a few handfuls of medicine pills ? Yes, my grandma would.

My grandma's just that typical tye of woman who would take things as they come. Always kind and tentative when it comes to listening to your problems. Always helpful when it comes to small daily life matters and money issues. Always feel contented and never ask for more. And with that, could you not miss her when she's gone? But i guess everyone has their own time limit here on earth and her time's up. It is sad, isnt it.

"Death ends a life, not a relationship."
- Morrie, Tuesdays with Morrie

2010-07-15T21:27:00.015+08:00

Ive been feeding myself with calming pills after you left.. ..
By calming pills, i mean - running, self-tkd, reading, gaming and school-ing. I dont know why but sleeping is seldom one of those calming pills that will work for me. I know im exhausted enough to sleep but my mind just wont shut down and i'd stare at the ceiling, only to find out later that ive got only 3 or 4 hours before my milo time. Its been like this for two months now. *sigh

And so, I gave myself a double dose yesterday. I went for some physical training with my sis, and some other guys. The training focused more on abs and biceps and we did five sets of 'planks' (the type that you've to be on your elbows and lift your body up), five sets of 45-degree leg raise, five sets of crunches and five sets of jumping jacks. From 1 minute for the first set, we increased to two for the second set, then three, then two for the fourth and the fifth set. After we did the 150th crunches for the fifth set, we had to end the training. -_- cus my sis broke one of the guy's specs, and he couldnt see. Lucky me, i managed to pull my sis over to spar with me a bit before she went off to bring him to the nearest optometrist.

Finding myself unsatisfied, i went turn to the track. When I felt the soreness of my leg muscle 40 mins later, i slowed down and did another set of shadow punches and leg work. And by the time i reached home, its 9pm. And there i thought, "I should have done another set, or run more.. ". I just need some peace for my mind, you see.

Haha, worse. I felt even more energetic after the heavy dosage. So i pulled myself out of the bed and grabbed a book. I managed to doze for abit, only to force myself to open my eyes to wake myself up from a nightmare two hours later. I'd rather stay awake if im gona have that stupid dream again. And i keep feeling hungry almost every night -.-

Ive always wanted to tell you this. Whenever i find you sitting down at one corner and consuming yourself with guilt because of what you've done in the past, i find myself feeling helpless, stupid and futile. Helpless, when i cant do anything when you cry silently inside. Stupid when i find myself crying with you. Futile, when i fight hard to lie. You told me you learnt that lesson the hard way, remember? So i figured it out. That i wont bring you back to your past. That i wont let you hurt the same way again. Even though its killing me to see you moving further away from me

2010-07-09T14:47:00.007+08:00

Things are getting more sophisticated as we grow up. From differentiating black and white to 258 different shades of gray, and before we could decipher further the meaning of all the things we've done so far, everything becomes a blurr. Its like a blindfold that hinders our sense of sight and feelings, fooling us the true colour of the background. But if we go back to square 1, this shows that we are growing up, still fighting hard, still breathing, is it not?

Everyone of us has our own emotional problems as part of our lives. And many of us know, when we are beaten to our knees, when things are getting tougher in any way possible, we cant let go that rope we've been holding on for so long. You might be all broken when the tension of that rope snapped, but that doesnt mean you couldnt pick up the pieces one by one, and start again. Things are easier said than done, i know. It just feels wrong to stop and say goodbye to your dreams and never try to live up to them. I knew that all along. I really do.

Anyway, Ive got most of my mid-semester test results already. Haha, guess what. Ive got an A for maths ! Of course, this level of maths is considered chicken feet if you wana compare it to the elephant-legged Alevel maths n_n

And here, some food for your eyes ..

but it hurts

Reality vs Fantasy

2010-06-27T03:08:00.007+08:00

If you'd ask me to choose which one to live in, i think i'd choose fantasy though i know its sounded like an act of cowardice to you. I'd bury myself with tkd, school, running, animes, books..just to move. Its not like i dont have a goal or something, i just define my own personal term of goal as something that would keep me going, something that would make a better me, something that it's worth to dream. Ive been trying hard to stop that impossible imagination in my head.

But sometimes, the reality is tough. And very often, when you feel like you couldnt take it anymore, you'd consider giving it all up. Because you cant see the worth in it, the future it promises, even after you paid all those pricey effort, and you end up at the foothill (again). But then again, are you alright with giving up after all those freaking hard work and never stand up solid and strong again? Nope. ( See what i mean?) You wont be cruel enough to hurt yourself with that. You cant possibly turn away from your own conscience. Feelings wont just disappear like that.

I'm sorry, i dont know why im crapping here, but i feel like im breaking now. I just got a hit strong enough to crush my bean-sized happy illusion into nothingness.

2010-06-19T13:49:00.003+08:00

...did i leave a footprint, at least?

The kancil (sort of like a mini copper) i was driving seemed strangely out of place when i saw the others - 3 monster trucks, 2 long lorries and one black and flashy porche - on my way back to the driving centre. Seeing those big cars eventually made my mouth gaping after them and my instructor pulled me back from my fantasy with a 'hey xiao jie, watch where you're going !'.

Yup, i went back to msia for driving lessons and the next time would be for the driving test. Its fun, both driving and driving my instructor crazy. Haha, at least i didnt punched the radio to a dead mode this time.

So now, i only left with one 35-page report to write for my biochemistry. Its really a relief that ive done WR with my PW mates, so ive got little to deal with when it comes to writting a formal report. I wouldnt say poly is a cake-walk for me now but i'll still try to maintain my current positive pace =)

It feels weird at how time moves without pausing for you to take little breaks when you're tired. Of everything. Sometimes, you've got no choice but to press on and let the seemingly meaningless things to empower and demand you not to give up and keep pushing you to go beyond your limit.
Damn, is that how its gonna control my life? Just you wait, i'll turn the table around later. Soooon..

2010-06-04T17:18:00.005+08:00

Since i was kid, i always have this kind of laughing-guilty. Hmm... ( how should i put it..)

Its like if you laugh too much or you feel happy about something too much, something bad is gonna happen sooner or later. It may sound like an idiotic nonsense to you but sometimes, it hits me no matter how hard i try to deny this childhood-build-up habit. Its reasonable if i felt this way when i was still a kid - my sis and i always got a hard time from dad whenever something happy happened whether it was a coincidence or not lol. Its difficult to kick this bad habit off but i'll keep kicking :)

"Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk."

- New Moon, Stephanie Meyer

2010-05-27T20:03:00.011+08:00

Everyone has their own limit when it comes to temper. I don't know about you, but i'm the type that swallow (or at least, i try to swallow). When most of the people snap, bang here and there, i'd rather keep quiet and focus on maintaing my composture. Which is why, im especially quiet if im frustrated, cus im taking time to calm myself down. But that doesn't mean i don't feel. You must be quite close to me if you had actually seen me losing my temper, growling, crying or even laughing out loud. Its rare for me to feel relaxed enough to be myself if front people that i dont feel that im close enough.

Okay, i shall stop that emo-ey talk and show you something :D

Are you hungry? I am. Emotionally.

Introducing...

2010-05-20T08:57:00.015+08:00

the serotonin-boosters ...

can you satisfy me?

Power

2010-05-18T18:25:00.005+08:00

P = W/t

where W = F x d and F = ma

In physics, power is the rate of work done, where work done is equal to force on an object , displaced over a distance. In real-life term, it simply means in order to be 'powerful', you need to put in effort and time. Effort, though it seems to be never enough, comes hand in hand with preseverance; something which most of us lack. Time, concretely represents the present as being between the past and the future, is something most of us would feel obligated to sacrifice. Its sad to say, but that's how Newton's third law of motion works, and where the Law of Sacrifice applies, no matter how injustice you think the world is.

Newton's Third Law of Motion : For every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction.

Law of Sacrifice : You have got to give it up to get what you want.

Humans can be powerful, despite their fragile mentality, if they want to be.

Stronger

Harder

Faster

Better

Push further

Break the limit

2010-05-14T07:47:00.003+08:00

Its been a month now that ive gone back to school-ing life. Really, it bores me. It seems to me, i spend more time at school than i do at home. My daily life now is like a packed but boring repetitive circle ; go school then go home, go school then go home and it goes on. Nothing's out of ordinary =x

And so, what's my entertainment now? Books, games, japanese lessons, and abit of running. Oh, and abit of tkd. Frankly speaking, i dont like it. I dont know if its just me but the senoirs there disgust me. Very. annoying.

There're two things that i really look forward to on my weekdays. No. 1 : Breakfast - im hungry. No. 2 : Dinner - i cook and i eat. Yup, that's all =/

Before the sky says goodbye to april..

2010-04-30T23:28:00.011+08:00

I honour myself with a fulfilling 8km run after school :D
I bet you'd feel just as refreshing as me after the run when you just had two weeks of sweat-less (the classrooms are air-conditioned) school-ing.

I've always have the habit of observe-and-think things around me when i run. And today, i ran across something that most of us, would have forgotten - a very basic principle in life. Its started when a 3-year-old toddler fell down (quite hard) right in front of me when i was running, and started to cry. As i bent down to offer my hand to the her, a mother stopped me, "Dont help." Instead of the usual "Are you okay, baby? ", she put on a stern look and said, " Come on, baby. Get back up." And with that, the sobbing child stood up unsteadily and grabbed her mother's thigh.

And so, it got me thinking, why simple and yet seemingly difficult thing like this we ought to forget as we grow up? When we face certain difficulties in life, when we feel like sticking our middle finger to the world sometimes, when we think we fall down to the bottom pit, we just give in and comfort ourselves by saying "Life's hard." But have we ever tried asking our conscience, "What have i done so far? Did i put in enough effort? ". Yes, its never enough, but its way better than to give up and stop there when you've already worked hard for it for so long. Yes, its difficult, but everything is difficult before they become easy. So you fall down. Then get up. In this world, no one's gonna pity you and save you if you dont save yourself.

Hope is invisible but it has always been with you.

And oh ya, I saw one beautiful ang mo running in her bikini. Woo ~ darn hot..can you imagine how hard i need to focus when she's just running beside me? lol

2010-04-23T18:13:00.005+08:00

Perhaps its because of different gender or varying maturity level that i feel this way. I am not saying that i'm more mature or what, but don't you find it annoying when some people just don't even dare to, at least, try before saying 'no, its impossible' ? I've seen people who fight hard around the clock just to move closer, even if its just an inch, to their dreams. But in this world, there's also another typical prototype of humans who expect to get what they want without even bother to stretch a single muscle cell. Pathetic fools..i say goodbye to your future.

2010-04-21T14:30:00.006+08:00

Module : Anatomy and Physiology

Remark : The teacher sucks

So yeah, today is the third day of my first week in poly. Studied basic immunology, analytical and physical chemistry, biochemistry and anatomy and physiology so far..which most of them, I've covered in my secondary school and jc. Things are still fresh here, so i cant really say 'Life's good in poly' yet but one thing i can assure you is it is definitely, 100% very sure, less stressful than JC cus their teaching pace is slower and less compact as compared to that of alvl.

But, its still early to conclude anything yet. From my past unfortunate experiences, i think its a bad habit to get your hope too high up cus it may break your confidence into biscuit bits when things got real ugly. So, better play safe and go for long term maintenance and sustainability =)

What bothers me now is my sleep. I cant sleep !!! I'm still wide awake, all up and alert until 3 or 4 am and shortly after that I wake up at 7.15am for school. Maybe i took too much of coffee last year :x.. lol .

A new direction

2010-04-17T21:20:00.009+08:00

I'm glad that i saved up quite abit during my jc life. After paying my poly semester fee and other stuffs, i think my bank account is quite dried up now. Oh .. not to forget, i bought a new laptop too (yay!) And so, the expenditure for this month exceeds our usual ones. So, i guess the bread-life is about to start again. Oh in fact, starting on the 19th, which is next monday. Yup, its time to go to SCHOOL Zzz.. O_0

Uhm ..actually, I do feel motivated to start school-ing again. A direction, at least. Even though I'll take a longer time frame compared to my other friends. Ah well, its okay to take the long-cut or short-cut as long as i reach my destination, right. Haha, so i'm sort of proud to call myself a biomedical student now. Sounds professional, eh. =x

Oh ya, i bought a real cool laptop skin too (kinda boy-ish, but aiyah..whatever lah). Since my sis and i have the same laptop model and colour, i think it would look stupid to accidentally bring the wrong laptop to school lol.

And there's a cool quote too ..

"Thy sins are eternal and I pray not for the dead.." , quoted from Father Abel Nightroad.

Haha, for those who are not fond of this type of bible-ish thing, let me explain. ( I'm not acting like i-know-it-all, but i'm just interested in this even though im not a christian.) It means our sins are eternal as long as we are human, cus it is commonly believed that it is natural for humans to make mistakes in their lives. And we do not die to atone them but we live to repent. Ya, i think that's the gist of it. Okay, goodbye for now. =)

2010-04-14T00:43:00.000+08:00

Wait.

cant you at least say that?

I wanted to say

2010-04-05T11:56:00.006+08:00

"Hey, how're you? Taken breakfast? We brought you some pau. Haha, but dont eat too much though, later your blood sugar shoots up. I bet there's a feast down there for this special day for you all. So, how's life? I got my results already and now waiting for a reply from the Uni/Poly i applied. Ya..ya... i know i'll study hard, so dont worry... =x
And grandma, you know..

..I miss you a lot."

but, my voice stuck at my throat. It felt like if i opened my mouth and talk, i would break down and start crying like a baby lol. So, i spent a few minutes of silent heart-talk and walked out from her new home after my 'see you again'.

So yeah, we went back to msia for qing ming (tomb-sweeping day or whatever you call) and for my driving lesson. And so, Ive got my L license already (yay !)

My driving coach was so afraid that i might break the gear handle or the accelerator pedal lol. Too rough for a driver, am i ? Got myself too used to tkd =x . It was fun looking at his expression when i accidentally slammed his kancil's door too hard or punched his radio to a dead mode without intention. Its time to change to a new car lah, uncle.

Oh by the way, I just got a call from Singapore Poly. And I am accepted ! But i'm still hesitating. Still unsure about my future. So, when things got blurr, its time for..
'Que Sera, Sera whatever will be, will be. The future is not for us to see...'
And so, i think i'll just take one step at a time and see where i'll be going. Right?

Yooo

2010-03-24T00:47:00.005+08:00

How are things going at your side? Still coping? Hope so ..=)
If things got ugly, take your time to sort things out. Go for a movie, a run, a chat with your friend or something.

I've got nothing much to do now actually..Umm, I have applied for three local universities and polys and what is left to do now, is wait. And if (touchwood*) I were not accepted into any of these, I might have to consider the private universities here or overseas =( ..

So Im feeling kinda uneasy and lost now. Its like.. im stuck. What if none of these accepted me, and i left nothing to choose? Yes, i can consider private universities but the course fees are way too much to afford. Plus, there are two of us, which means double expenditure. Study loans? Some of them are for sporeans and PRs. Tuition grants? Only if i got accepted. Scholarships? Results not good enough. See what i mean?

Its pathetic, isnt it. When you thought you've done well enough to stay up and tough for the alvl exam, when you comforted youself every S grade you got with a simple "never mind, i'll be okay next time..", and in the end, what comes out of it? zero =(

But never mind. I'll just have to do what i can, depending on what the cards i have now. I'll just have to take it as another dare to become a better fighter. Haha, dont worry, if its really a dead end for me, I'll just need to dig a new way out. Im just taking a break now.

If I could see the future and how this plays out

I bet its better than where we are now

But after going through this

It's easier to see the reason why